| Last entry. |
[May. 26th, 2005|08:59 pm] |
Hey you guys this is my last entry here. This thing has no meaning anymore. So yeah, alots happened. Lifes been alright. And I am 95% moving to Hartford, its getting almost official. Yeah, i know alot of you can't wait for that..yep..yep. So, well in any case, i think its good that im gonna start a new begining. Everywhere i go, i meet people who end up as enemies, but i mean, to hell with it. Life isn't just about whining about the past, its about enjoying the present, and preparing for the future. Lately ive been afraid of getting lung cancer (yep..i know people who want me to get that too), im probally just overreacting, or i have anxiety. What does it mean when your chest kinda hurts........ah fuck it. I;m just enjoying life to its fullest, and of course *Live Freely*.
JUst my last word of advice:
Dont worry about what happened in the past, the present is what is awaits you next, and you never really know what happens, you can asume, but never believe that it will happen, or your dissapointment will overwhelm you.
Much love to haters and lovers. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|06:49 pm] |
Sup everybody. Ok well..uh...i dont know anything right now. Things are actually crappy, but theres still this inner drive in me, something that gives me energy. Sorry guys if ive been ditching you. I just dont lke being in big groups of people. i love having friends, just i dont want em all at once. I dont mean this negatively or anything, its just a thing i have. Im weird lke that.
Well anyways, have you ever had that feeling that your dreams can never come true. Like, you see those stereo-typical romantic moments in movies, and you sometimes, dont you just wish that could happen to you? One of my friends, im not gonna name names, she hasnt really had a boyfriend before, and shes a total dreamer. Well, in anycase, i honestly thought with all she was expecting from a guy, that she wouldnt find a guy who would meet her expectations. bUT when she told me how she met this guy, and told me how romantic everything was..i just paused, and realised, that i dont know what love is. Seriously, i dont. yEAH i mean there is love, like close friends..but im not lookin for that kinda love. Its that love, that i always thought was stupid, its that love that i thought was just hopelessly unrealistic,thats what i want. And now, i just wish, i had someone like that. I know, this doenst sound right from me. Im usually the one who is all like "i just wanna have fun". but now, i want something true. and i can only do that with someone im attracted to, who likes me for me, who has the personality that makes me feel like hes someone i could just feel good with. I think ive found someone, but i dont know. Im clueless. I feel like Cher in Clueless. But seriously, there are two guys HAHA they both start with "J". what a coincidence, in anycase,
hmm...letting this out made me feeel soo much better now.. it just made me realize TO TAKE CHANCES. i mean, im not shy, if i want something, ill get it. or ill be emo for a month. hahaa fuckers, and when im emo, i smoke, and i quit, so theres no chance of that shit happenin. HEELLL YESSSSSSSSSSS
yay im done here. OOOOH YEHAAAAAAAAAAAAA. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|07:28 pm] |
Man, right now, things are chill. There are things that are bad, but im not gonna let that shit get to me anymore. Like report cards are commin, and yeah im gonna get bitched at, but i read somewhere, that a few years later you'll laugh at how emotional you got or whatever. And i look back at the times i screwed up on, and lauigh. Now its time to just laugh while crap is happenin.
Anyways, guy-wise things are chill. Its the best word to describe it. There is this one guy, he's in my 3rd period class, hes cool, and he can sing amazing,and he doesnt act all desperate and shit lke some of my other ex-es. wE'RE not going out yet or anything, but we're bound to. And hes nice, plus has got a nice face. But i fall more for guys with personality.HE IS NOT A FRESHMAN. i dont date freshman. period. most are too immature (i sad MOST not ALL). Ha. And when i walked by him, he turned around to stare at my ass..haha..atleast he doenst do hide it, i dont like it when guys hide things.it annoys me. so yeah im kinda happy that theres a guy whos nice, hot, and has talent. I mean, there was this other guy i kinda liked, but i dunno,he's probally got other stuff right now and thats all cool.....anyways, now aside from guys...
Another good thing, it was kinda senti-mental. My friend Sascha lost a close family member because of smoking. So, after a week of me bitching about not having a ciggarette, and now Im in my second week, Sascha asked me if i quit. I told her I did, because she noticed how bitchy i was the last week, and when i told her i quit, she eccstatically ran up to me and hugged me. twice. and then she gave me this intensive look in my eye while telling me how happy she was i quit, where then i saw how much she ment it. we dont even know eachother that much, and she showed so much emotion, and how much this meant to her. Im really happy i quit. It was just this special moment, that ill never forget.
Also another thing, ive been way more positive then,say, 2 months ago. Hahaha i told Mack that hes a cinceited dickhead. I cant belelive he said "You only liked me, cause you thought i was hot". HE IS NOT HOT AND I ONLY USED TO LIKE HIM FOR HIS PERSONALITY.BUT hes soo stupid.my gawd..hes soo stupid,its hilarious. anyways he can live his sad life, HAHA..im too glad i broke up with him..i knmow, it was 2 months ago, but i cant stop lauging about it.
Well its time for me to stop writting, and to shallow up a bit..ive been too deep lately with all this existential, philosophical shit ive been struggling with. I hafta learn how to keep it not too shallow and not too deep. Its funny, to most people i appear like a shallow girly-girly, ditz, and dont get me wrong, i love acting like a ditz, but sometimes i just dont think people know who i really am and what i think. anyways i gotta keep it real now.
BBYE BITCHEZ..
ur one and only german slut. hahaha.
mwahz 4 life. |
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| OMG |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|06:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the ghost of you | ] |
hey...
I LOVE THIS GURL! she is a the coolest. and she is a thinker she is! =) I love you! peace out gangsta!
MUCH LOVE,
THE ITALIAN BITCH |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|03:18 pm] |
My last words, my favorite quote, my life:
TO EVERY END THERES A NEW BEGINNING.
Things will never be the same, no matter what. But that doesnt mean times that will come arent going to be just as good.
Its bad to assume anything these days. Dont do it.
Be happy your alive and live with it. GOD YOU FUCKERS TAKE MY FUCKING WORD FOR IT.
lOVE,
a german bitch.
whose crazy.
who thinks too much.
whose weird.
who wont shut up.
now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|08:06 pm] |
OK WELL ANYways i decided to choose this one for now. i lke it better.
Do you every have those flashbacks of your life, you wish you could just go back to...
hmm..
Mann..i feel kinda weird. Its soo awkward. I sometimes just wanna die..but sometimes live the pain. Its strange. I have no reason really to live..i mean look at it,i have no GPA, my mothers off in germany, i cnat take california, and there arent many people who understand me. oh weoll,, ill stop fuckign whing around. mann. but its just..w/e.
Have a fun weekend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|05:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enthralled | ] |
My new lj: nerdgonewild123
i just had to change. this ones old. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | somethin that makes me wanna strip... | ] |
shit....i get caught with ever fuckin thing i do these days..mann, its like the world is against me or whatever. oh well. fuck it. lolllllllllllllllllllllzzzz. im still happy. im happy no matter what. So WHAT if i'll get suspended? So what if i may get expelled again? So what if i may move cause my dad wants to move ASAP and it will be soon, (Atlanta, bitches). So what if things are kinda a pain in the ass. Im just gonna fucking make every moment DA BOMB from now on!!!!!Lifes too short to fuck up.. OH YEAH!! Today was actually kinda cool. Rachel and I had a water fight on the track, yeah we were all wet from head to toe, plus in mini skirts...haha thats fun, and like people were like "dude,theyre crazy" to "thats hot" haha. tommorrow we;re most likely gonna have another water fight, cause its soo refreshing..you know.. weLL, anyways on friday morning its off to venice. Cleavage bitches.Yeah, and my dad thinks im at school and shit on friday. tehhehehehe.
oooh yeah, and tommorrow im bringing my camera. im not gonna let this dag (dad+fag, i knwo its mean but hes got some scary physcological problems at times) just take my cam.
Lifes cool.
Live freely.
Love it.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
HAHAHAHAHAHA. cool. my knees are sexy...thats awsome....mann i had ice cream with my friends who changed alot hahaha, theyre all like "like omg, like totally, like yeah, omg, soo totally, like omg" and i did it too haha you shoulve seen it. So well anyways, i might as well, do somethhing totally brain-less.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|03:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
Well.....im about to meet some friends from Boston, who for some odd decided they wanted to visit me. In any case today was really tiring for me. I woke up and then i went to school, and then i ditched the first two classes, yeah i know, but im seriously stopping now. Yeah and i fucking smoked again, but hey, i swear its the last time. I just really needed it. Although ive met alot of ppl through smo..AAAH, just fuck it. I quit. OK so before I bitch some more about quitting. iM just gonna be completely random. I love being my old self again. I cant help that i need excitement in my life. Its like air, without any excitement i get depresed. I thnk alot of people agree. I dont wanna be anything other than what ive tryin to be lately, all i have to do is think me and a piece of mind...yeah its a song, and its playing over and over in my mind...just like other weird random songs like that. hA..its funny how people can be bored with life, i mean, everyday, everyone expieriences new challenges. Its like, every day, there is some sort of "Challenge of the Day", no matter how big or small it is, or good or bad, the main point, is that its there. And thats whats awsome. You never know whats gonna happen next. Hahaha. thats why ive decided to quit shortening those challenges, by smoking, suicidal tendencies, and stupid shit like that.
Here are some pics. Dont ask me why im posting pics. I HAVE nothing better to do til i have to go meet my bostonians.
OOH YEAH, BIG HAIR. pshh....
umm..i 4got what this pics, so screw it...yeah, im sure.
hahaha..i think. i odnt know what IMG_2671 is so yeah.
ooh yeha, i think i look werid here..yeah i do..hahahaaha...cool.
my good golly friend and i.
whats this?OOOH!! yes, its fucking gummi bears. yes, i did that while ditching. and out of no where got horny (whats wrong with me?!)
umm..yeah..my idol. sure. ok.
OK i have to gooooooooo nowwwzzzzz.....
*Think timeless.Why?Because its priceless*
I cant say this enough, but *Live Freely* |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|05:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I dont want to be- Gavin DeGraw | ] |
Ok, well looks like im in trouble from my councelor. Again, so Rachel says i am. (We have the same councelors). But you know what? Fuck it. Yeah, just fuck it. Thats what i go to school for, more or less, to realise you shouldnt change who you are in order to succeed in life, so you can have an origianall life. A life without limits. A wonderfull life. Thats how i got the quote "Live freely". You just have to know who you are, what you want to achieve, and how to get there. Thats what lifes all about. Well, besides this, i had an awsome day.Ditched last period or whatever and went to Starbucks with Amber and we talked which we havent done for a while, Had lunch with "BrAd PITt" ,then I went to this stupid appointment where the Vice Priniciple hates me more cause i talked back to her cause i was "arguing" the fact that my detention doubled. So yeah, if you know HOW TO enjoy life, do it.
For Rachel: Be happy, dont be sad,and if ur not, then lets just be bad. We'll do the wrong stuff, think the wrong things, but be happy. NOw thnk about all we've done together and all the times we laughed for no reason.
Now here are some pics to remember hahahaha...the funny times. We've done soo much, laughed soo much, got arrested together, cried alot too, looked at our cuts, shared ciggaretts, you watched me yell at Mr. VanRossum,we ditched together, shared dirty thoughts about guys with eachother, and went shopping soo many fun times at century, watched porn, taken soo many pics, shared soo many secrets, and we both shared that one goal, to Live Freely. I love you Rachel, and dont let Matt put you down, bitch. |
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| STEF!! |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|04:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my chemical romance-helena | ] |
Hey stef it's me Rachel...I really need to talk to you..it's important! please please try to contact me in some way!! by the way...It's concerning our counsiler, my mom and ur dad!!! so hurry! right when you get this...CONTACT!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|08:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | horny | ] |
Fuck this depressing shit. gawd.
Every end, is a new beginning.
Yeah thats my new thing, whohoo. Well, anyways.Ive decided that everytime ,someone has to do something unwillingly , stuff like that, that its just another step in getting what you want in the end.
OK I dont want ot get too philosophic here now, so ill stop.
So next week im thinking of goin to the beach or somethin. aNYoThEr ppplz out there who wanna come, hollur, right now i have 4 chicks who are commin.lollzzzzzzzzz
Oh yeah and the art thingy was ok, lke i met this really really cute guy named David and we talked, but other then that it was boring. oh well..
Yeah, so pics, cause im bored. hahahaha
this is my FAVorITE!!hahaha
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  refreshed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | WHY DOES THIS FUCKING ICON THINK IM IN LOVE, I TOOK A SHOWER | ] |
Ok,well today was a sparkeley (for me everythings glittery, dont ask, ok, no, its not one of those things you get when ur 12, but more like this sighn of optimism, i have physcological probmes oh well) day but all in all good. oK like, just some small things that happened...
- today when pohntah and i were talking and walking down the hall and she was all like "i like the way you walk" and i was like "i like the way you shake ur ass" and then these group of guys just turned around and were like "cool"
- i havent ditched one class in the last 2 days (record) and im planning not to ditch for a while so i could get good grades again
- my friends gave me a new nickname, Candy i dont know why, dont ask
- this guy josh asked me out and i was like "im lesbian" (im not really lesbian, i just told him that,geeezz...)
- i ran a mile in 8.5 minutes (sorry, im just really random)
- i havent smoked for 1 week!! and im planning to stop, for like, ever. (be proud)
- im starting to try to be athletic again
- random ppl keep calling my cell and i dont know who it is, so i call this number back and some person was all like "well call me during lunch" and i was like wtf cause i dont know who it is
- i want a new lj name, passionandfire1 is getting old.
options:
iwantcandy
lightmyfire
crazycandy
ijustwannahavefun
skittlesmakemefeelgood
candymakesmehappy
iliketofuck (jk, gosh.)
imsooweird (gosh.)
ifeelcandy
- I decided not to have soo much caffeine. its bad for me. as smoking. so im thinking fruit smoothies, dancing, and trying to enjoy school (wow, i cant beleive im actually saying this...its scary..oh well.)
Im done. OK so peplez im away. dancing. and singing. and sinning. and drunking. and not smoking. and drinking fuit shakes.
Oh and btw, im going to the beach soon with some friends. Any bitches who wanna join, hollur.
"itzy-bitzy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini-that-she-wore-for-the-first-time-that-day"
NOw,IM really done. I enjoy my life. For once. No for twice. Maybe for third. |
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| haahah |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
ok well i have nothing better to do, so here:
thats it..lifes life. it goes on. i wish. oh well. fuck it. no. sex it up. ok. im done. no really. i am. not. ok. now i am. ok. so. life sucks. ill try to get through. I quit smokin, which i guess is good or not. im depressed. i nned coffee. i cant get coffee. i neeed a cigg. but no. i quit... or should i start again? no i should quit. i dont know. im just depressed. oh well. fuck it. screw it. oh well. i cant stop. i need to do someting fun. but no. im grounded. forever. till i get good grades. this sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2005|02:30 pm] |
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wow. ok so i was on my way to Starbucks, doing my dad a favor and getting coffee. OK so IM about to cross the street, and I see the key to my soul, the Suzuki Hayabusa, the fastest motorcycle in the world, the one that i want to get. So Im staring at it, and the driver of the bike is like, wtf, and so i decided to say something, the driver didnt hear me and drove in an empty parking spot. So then I told him how much i loved his bike, asked him where he got it, how much it was, etc, he asked me if i wanted a ride. But i couldnt cause i had to get back.. too bad, though, cause it was a nice bike..and its fast...i wish there were more guys who were into bikes as much as me..oh well. Must get back to Nietzsche. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2005|06:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
I fucking hate spring break. I cant do anytihng just because of a stupid little thing i got caught for..yeah..well now i have basically no more freedom, cant see my friends which i really need right now. everything is hard enough and this weird dad of mine is just all "we have to spend time together and go to ur grandparents." yeah were i sat literally for 4 hours listening to their " well, uncle donald..dfdfjdfgfdg" bla bla bla. But i set up a plan to get what i ant here, and its just faking being "positive" about everything, and all that crap, so my dad thinks im a "good girl" again,like when i was 10 years old, and then when i say "can i sleep over (girls name) house" he'll go "sure" and im off to another party...so, Faking OVER-Positivity..ok, the next step is getting good grades. my "guidance teacher" tells me i can turn my F's, into B's in the 15 weeks left. So that may work out. And thats it. If I get to handle those two things, Im lookin at a good future life, for when im 16 anyways. For right now, too, i dont wanna go out with anybody, its too much pressure for right now and i just cant stay in a relationshlp long, its just not me... right now. hmmmmmmmmmm....looks like i have to write about Friedrich Nietzsche. ok well. since i wont be able to get out much, i hope to see you all at school..the only place where i can make a party out of it..hmm..good idea..
OMG I JUST CAME UP WITH IDEAS OF THINGS THAT COULD BE COOL:
1.getting one of those cute, nerdy tutors to tutor you and then you get better grades and a guy (if hes too nerdy, then i can change that...he..he..he..how awsome life can be like that.
2. going to one of those Best Western, or whatever Motels with ur friends, and partying there, and then going to the candy maschines at 3 am and get tons of candy.. .
3. at school, in a dark, classroom, where noone goes, make out during nutrition or lunch, or in between classes!
4. making out with poprocks..duh.
5. making out in the rain.. fun.
6. doing ur homework at starbucks (maybe with the nerdy/hot tutor) and yeah drinking coffee... then after, get to know the nerdy/hot tutor and become friends with benefits (I WOULD SOO NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT...hehehe..im gonna go on my search)
New Obsessions:
1. Poprocks
2. Rain
3. nerdy/hot tutors that go to my school with like really high GPA's (random fact, my GPA is 1.08, literally thats because i skip soo many classes and dont do my homework and i dont have the motivation)
4. Dont you just LOVE it?! The Boxster-S-pORsche is the coolest..i sooo want it. all i need is a really good job RIGHT NOW cause i want it now...tear.
5. Starbucks (Coffe Bean can die...)
4 |
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| I smell funny |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | foo fighters | ] |
I havent taken a shower ina while soooo I smell kinda wierd...thanks for the journal etree sweety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 LOVE YA!!!!
stef! |
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passionandfire1's journal
